So there I was on my way to the airport, in an absolute panic – wondering exactly what kind of recording of me this young lady has in her phone. She had sent me a text message, telling me that unless I gave her NGN100,000 she would show everyone a video of me dancing half naked, high as a kite on cocaine and alcohol.
As a result of an acute paranoia about what this girl might do next my journey was a very uncomfortable one. I spent the entire flight worried about the content of the video recording and what she might do with it. Before I knew it fear and worry had turned to self-condemnation, self- loathing, and a belief that I had no right or hope of even attempting to do what God had asked me to do – To preach his Unconditional Love to all corners of the world, and to help people to identify and sell their passion. After-all how could I, someone that had battled with cocaine abuse and sexual immorality even imagine to be someone God wishes to preach his message of Love?! I felt ashamed and disgusted – like a continuous failure.
Here are some dark truths.
Over the past twenty years, from time to time I would be uncontrollably aroused by the thought of getting high on cocaine and sleeping with one or two girls at a time – often encouraging threesomes and all manner of sexually immorality. I knew it was wrong and always felt ashamed, wretched, and disgusted with myself afterwards, but I fell into this cycle none-the-less. I’m far better now, as I now know I was looking for love and approval in the worst possible way.
A few months ago the Lord told me He wants me to take His love to all corners of the world; that he’s tired of people seeing him as a God of fire and brimstone, or reward and punishment.
God no longer wants us, His children, to relate with Him based on law and judgement, but on His Grace, Mercy, and Unfailing love.
We are no longer slaves of the slave master god, but favoured children of a Loving Father.
I couldn’t help but ask God, “why me?. For bearing in mind my many faults and failings, surely I have no right to preach your love!?”
“It’s precisely because of your many faults that I want you to tell people of my Unconditional and Unfailing Love. For it is because of my love that you’re still here. It’s because you’re starting to grasp the essence of who I am and the depth of my love for you that you haven’t given up on life. It’s my love that’s keeping you going. But there are too many out there who have given up because they don’t know how much I love them.”
Isn’t it strange how God chooses to use the most unlikely and ‘unrighteous’ characters?!! I’m someone that struggled with a particular failing for many many years – alcohol, drugs, and all manner of sexual immorality that one can only describe as outright madness. For those of you that have read my book ‘Home’ you can probably recall the story of the young man walking along Lekki Express at some god-forsaken hour, wishing he was dead; sick and tired of falling into the evil grip of cocaine and various sexual escapades. Yep, that young man was me. The craziness of those years have long gone. But if I’m completely honest I’ve had the odd fall during the past couple of years.
Why am I washing my very dirty linen in public?
If God can still love me, despite years of cocaine abuse and all manner of debauchery in so many different climes, then it means his promise that He will never leave or forsake us is true-er than true.
The power of God’s Unconditional Love is the only reason I never gave up on life. Time and time again He enabled me to pick myself up and go again. It is the knowledge of His love that enables me to keep going.
There is no sin too great that God has not already forgiven
No condition so terrible that God has not already healed
No lack that God has not already provided for
No judgement that God hasn’t already died for
If God has already done all these things then worry not, because nothing you do can separate you from what God has already done because of His Unconditional Love and Grace.
I’m sharing this with you so that you know in no uncertain terms that I’m not just spouting sweet motivational words. I’ve been to the depths of despair – found myself doing the most outrageously perverse things – all in the name of fun and pleasure. But here’s the thing – for all the highs (literally) and girls, not once did I find what I was looking for – Love, Approval, Peace of Mind, joy.
I’ve come to realise that the only true joy in this world comes from the Unconditional Love of God. The only true security and peace of mind comes from the knowledge of God’s Unfailing love.